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Monday, May 28, 2012

Where It All Meets

For several years I've been chasing a dream. The reasoning behind the dream would change, but the dream never did. When this happens, it really confirms in your mind that this is something important to you. You really think it is something you should pursue... strongly.

I did. At every turning point I would stumble. I would get so frustrated at every wall and give up, even when the walls were easily torn down.

After a while I realized that these were walls I was building. But why? I found the answer and it was more simple than I'd thought.

It was someone else's dream.

I have a dream now. A real one. It's not a new dream, but it's mine.

At first I'd felt pressured to program. Of course I liked computers, but I didn't necessarily want to code. I did it to get close. Then, I used it to impress. I used it to hang on. I programmed to get something back. And, finally, I programmed in anger, as if it were revenge... to show that I could be better. Am I a better programmer? I'm better than I was before by a long shot, but probably not better than anyone else.

All the while I'd convinced myself that I wanted to be a programmer. I just don't.

Do I blame anyone? Yes and no, but I'm thankful for it... and I'm also to blame for it.

I suppose I could use programming in the future and it really helped me not only become stronger in math, but actually love math. I seriously learn more math for fun now! Do I feel like I wasted a bunch of time? Yes, but I suppose that's life. And I don't mean that in a bad way. It really is life. Don't we all stand in line at some point?

The funny thing is that before this whole thing started, I tested an INFJ (MBTI stuff.) Then, during this whole thing, I tested as an INFP. I genuinely did. They say your personality doesn't change, but perhaps your perception of yourself can.

One day, last November it happened overnight. It LITERALLY happened overnight. I seriously woke up in the morning and just suddenly felt different. I suddenly felt good. It was like years of negativity and low self-esteem had suddenly been sucked out of my body. (I tested INFJ again in January.)

I have no idea what made me feel better. I have no idea what made me feel so horrible for so long. I can't say if it was someone else that made me feel so horrible for so long or if it was me. Sometimes I feel as if I could shout from the rooftops, shout it to everyone, or shout it at a particular person... that I really feel good.  I wish I'd been like this, felt like this for an old friend. Sometimes I feel like I owe that to that person... to at least know I'm okay... or to be able to see this wonderful light. Maybe even catch a ray and glow too. And then sometimes I'm buried in deep resentment. That's probably something I'll feel forever. Sometimes I feel like contact was the cause. Do I owe it to anyone to say that I feel good? Maybe. But I also think I owe it to myself to continue feeling good. And so I keep it to myself, to those who sat by my side while I slept for so long, and finally to new friends who will only know who I have been buried underneath black paint for so long.

And I smile. A real smile.

It's been a few!

So, I may write some code here and there. It's something I enjoy with no real seriousness. I'd like to say it's been a sudden stop, but it's been a while to realize this is not my dream. The good feelings started overnight, but this took me a while and then a while to admit.

I think this is ultra appropriate.